The Monster

Not all monsters live under your bed
or in your nightmares while you sleep
Not all monsters terrorize the big screen
with the hero saving all before the credits roll

Some monsters are closer than you dare believe
Holding your hand, kissing your lips
Professing their undying love
While hiding enough secrets
to shatter the strongest heart to pieces

Some monsters don't destroy cities or buildings
but destroy confidence and trust
with lies and deceit
False promises and emotions

Is it evil in their heart or something else - 
A void that cannot be filled 
A loneliness that cannot be overcome?
Does it matter the cause when the effect
is the same no matter what?
Trust broken and hearts shattered 
are not easily mended.

And just like the monsters under the bed
and the monsters on the big screen
This monster too will be vanquished
The hero will emerge victorious,
Battered, broken, and shaken to the core
But time will heal and strengthen 
putting the heart and soul back together
and making the hero stronger than ever.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©2015

Ebb and Flow - unfinished July 2014

Tides of change
Waves crashing to shore
The hypnotic constant movement
of the sea
Blue and green and white
stretching as far as infinity

A soft summer breeze
caresses the water
pushing forward the tide
and washing away the past

The salty air
the ebb and flow
of musical waters
reminders of years gone by
and carefree summers of youth

Written by Angela Ostrander ©2014

Insomnia

Can't sleep
Can't write
Can't get out of my own head
What will it take to break down my walls?

Falling so fast, so hard - it's risky
Can I handle it?
How do I open up?
Why is it so hard?

Why is it so foreign to have someone
interested in what I want,
what I like,
what I feel?

How do I get past this fear?
The fear of rejection,
the fear of getting hurt,
the fear of being mocked?
Will I ever be able to?
What if I can't?

I need to say what's on my mind,
but my mind won't let me.
How do I break out of these walls?

The fear of rejection makes me struggle
to be true to my feelings.

I wish I knew what to say,
how to even say it.
Why is it so fucking hard?

Constantly questioning
if I'm good enough
is tiring.

Why is it so hard to believe
that someone could actually enjoy my company,
like me for me,
and even find me attractive?
Will I always be broken?

Written by Angela Ostrander ©2014

Missing

You gave me something I never had before
Caring, compassion, and acceptance
And just as quickly, it was gone.
I felt as though my heart was shattered,
broken into a thousand pieces.

Even now, I still can't help but think of you
Missing your touch, your kiss... you.
I wake up in the morning
hoping to see you next to me.
I open my door
hoping to see you standing there
smiling and happy.

I know its foolish
and only serves to hurt me more
but I miss you like crazy
I wish I could be what you want and need.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©2014

Unfinished - May 2014

In the darkness I stumbled
Searching for the right path
Lost in a fog of despair
Alone for so long with no direction
Never finding a way out
Wandering aimlessly, I tire
and cry out in defeat.
Exhausted and wounded
I can go no further -
So I await my inevitable demise.

A hand reaches through the darkness
and tenderly helps me to my feet.
Dazed, I stare into the eyes
of he who is my savior
What I see in those eyes
Gives me the strength to push forward...

Written by Angela Ostrander ©2014

Foolish

A decade lost to your lies
A heart broken by your indifference
You said our love was forever
but instead you didn't really
feel much for me, if ever.

Promises and declarations of eternal love
once filled me with hope of a future.
Made me believe I had found the one
but all I found was another imposter.

The lies fell so easily from your lips
it made every word ring true.
But now that I have seen the real you
I know I was being made a fool.

My broken heart will slowly mend
Though it will be heavy with scars
of the pain you inflicted
Not that you will care -
because you never did.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©2014

True Love

Many times in my life
I have tried to end all of the pain
That has made me who I am...
But all the times I tried
There was a force holding me back,
Not letting me fulfill my wish
For an end to my eternal unhappiness
For so long I've wondered
What it could be...
What was stopping me
From my assumed destiny?
And now I know...
Because the fact remains,
I am only half of a soul
My only destiny
To find the other half
The other half is what held me back
To keep me from sealing an untrue fate
of ending a life that isn’t only mine.
Because in all reality
It is yours as well...
You possess what my soul needed
You are my other half,
The one that completes me...
In the beginning, I was unsure
Not knowing if it was true-
If it was possible that I had found
The one thing that most people
Spend their whole lives searching for...
But I know it in my heart
And the way my soul reaches out to you,
That you are my soul mate,
And my one true love.
I love you.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©1999