Ebb and Flow - unfinished July 2014

Tides of change
Waves crashing to shore
The hypnotic constant movement
of the sea
Blue and green and white
stretching as far as infinity

A soft summer breeze
caresses the water
pushing forward the tide
and washing away the past

The salty air
the ebb and flow
of musical waters
reminders of years gone by
and carefree summers of youth

Written by Angela Ostrander ©2014

Insomnia

Can't sleep
Can't write
Can't get out of my own head
What will it take to break down my walls?

Falling so fast, so hard - it's risky
Can I handle it?
How do I open up?
Why is it so hard?

Why is it so foreign to have someone
interested in what I want,
what I like,
what I feel?

How do I get past this fear?
The fear of rejection,
the fear of getting hurt,
the fear of being mocked?
Will I ever be able to?
What if I can't?

I need to say what's on my mind,
but my mind won't let me.
How do I break out of these walls?

The fear of rejection makes me struggle
to be true to my feelings.

I wish I knew what to say,
how to even say it.
Why is it so fucking hard?

Constantly questioning
if I'm good enough
is tiring.

Why is it so hard to believe
that someone could actually enjoy my company,
like me for me,
and even find me attractive?
Will I always be broken?

Written by Angela Ostrander ©2014

Missing

You gave me something I never had before
Caring, compassion, and acceptance
And just as quickly, it was gone.
I felt as though my heart was shattered,
broken into a thousand pieces.

Even now, I still can't help but think of you
Missing your touch, your kiss... you.
I wake up in the morning
hoping to see you next to me.
I open my door
hoping to see you standing there
smiling and happy.

I know its foolish
and only serves to hurt me more
but I miss you like crazy
I wish I could be what you want and need.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©2014

Unfinished - May 2014

In the darkness I stumbled
Searching for the right path
Lost in a fog of despair
Alone for so long with no direction
Never finding a way out
Wandering aimlessly, I tire
and cry out in defeat.
Exhausted and wounded
I can go no further -
So I await my inevitable demise.

A hand reaches through the darkness
and tenderly helps me to my feet.
Dazed, I stare into the eyes
of he who is my savior
What I see in those eyes
Gives me the strength to push forward...

Written by Angela Ostrander ©2014

Foolish

A decade lost to your lies
A heart broken by your indifference
You said our love was forever
but instead you didn't really
feel much for me, if ever.

Promises and declarations of eternal love
once filled me with hope of a future.
Made me believe I had found the one
but all I found was another imposter.

The lies fell so easily from your lips
it made every word ring true.
But now that I have seen the real you
I know I was being made a fool.

My broken heart will slowly mend
Though it will be heavy with scars
of the pain you inflicted
Not that you will care -
because you never did.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©2014

True Love

Many times in my life
I have tried to end all of the pain
That has made me who I am...
But all the times I tried
There was a force holding me back,
Not letting me fulfill my wish
For an end to my eternal unhappiness
For so long I've wondered
What it could be...
What was stopping me
From my assumed destiny?
And now I know...
Because the fact remains,
I am only half of a soul
My only destiny
To find the other half
The other half is what held me back
To keep me from sealing an untrue fate
of ending a life that isn’t only mine.
Because in all reality
It is yours as well...
You possess what my soul needed
You are my other half,
The one that completes me...
In the beginning, I was unsure
Not knowing if it was true-
If it was possible that I had found
The one thing that most people
Spend their whole lives searching for...
But I know it in my heart
And the way my soul reaches out to you,
That you are my soul mate,
And my one true love.
I love you.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©1999

Blank

The pain you feel; you cannot bear it well.
I want to help but you just shut me out.
You try to hide the hurt but I can tell,
It hurts inside, you want to scream and shout.
I know this pain; I too felt it before.
For you it was much closer to the heart.
With this shared pain I want to help you more
And then together the healing can start.
I know you do not want to share with me,
The things that make you cry the way you do.
Please take a look outside and you will see,
I care for you and want to help you too.
So now you see you have nothing to fear,
I want to help you wipe away that tear.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©1998

Flesh

Every inch of my flesh tingles
With a life that wants to be released
Released in to the darkness
So it will no longer feel the pain
The hurt and the agony deep inside
The gleam of metal flashes in the eye
The shining blade of my demise
Slowly sliding across my flesh
The wrists that need to bleed
Porcelain skin turns to red
As my blood drains
From the veins of my soul
The pain is comforting
And suddenly it becomes
Numbing to the senses
Until the last drop falls
And I feel pain no more.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©1998

Eternity

Swirling in a galaxy,
Filled with love and ecstasy.
Two souls brought together
By god’s design and by destiny.

She, who believed loneliness
Was the only path for her,
Felt that no one could ever love
Her pathetic, ugly soul.

He, who felt as though he had
Done something wrong, that he was worthless
When in actuality, he was an innocent victim.

Its true, these two lost souls
Could help one another.
But how would they come together?
Distance was a factor that neither had known,
And it had kept them apart for too long.

Someone, somewhere knew that this was meant to be.
That they were put on this Earth,
To be with one another, for all eternity.

How they met was a mystery,
But the moment their eyes met,
They both knew it had to be true.

He told her that she was worthy
And that she was the most beautiful
Creature he had ever seen.
He showed her that she could love
And be loved in return.

She helped him get over
The demons of his past,
That had haunted him so many nights before.
She showed him that he was indeed
Worthy of life, as well as of love.

Finally the two souls had merged,
Fate had brought them together
And forever they would live as one.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©1999

Unknown

Deep down in the darkest part
Of my blackened soul
I see my self as nothing,
Going nowhere fast…
You say it's my own fault,
I pushed myself farther down
This fucked up spiral
Of self loathing, that I am my own maker.
And yet you sit there glorifying yourself to me
not seeing that you are the one
that is killing my soul.
Don't you understand, that in your perfect little world
I could never exist?
The me that you want to change me into
Will never truly be me.
You want to make me your perfect vision
Of how I should be.
You tell me change is good,
And it will help me out of the
Dark cycle that you say I am pushing myself in.
Don't you see the only pushing
is you pushing the razor blade
inches closer to my flesh?
You talk of me as though I cannot see
the path that I have chosen for myself.
It is not about you, and your perfect soul,
Rather it's about me, and the hellish road I have chosen
As the path to complete my existence.
So for you I say,
Take your little wanted, fucked up help,
And push it on to someone who will take your shit,
because I know where I am headed,
And what I will one day face -
In the fiery unknown

Written by Angela Ostrander ©1998

Sea

I feel myself sinking in this sea of emotions.
Slowly at first, but then rapidly descending.
I hear you from above call out my name
but you don't seem to know why I'm flailing.
You had set me free from your love with nothing.
You had said that we were no good together,
and now you come happily back,
like a hero to save me from this dark and turbulent sea.
I will tell you now that it is too late for me to be saved.
If you had truly wanted to be with me
you wouldn't have left me to drown
in the pain and hurt that floods my soul.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©1998

Sweet

Sweet, tender words
turned to morbid sounds of death.
Beautiful resounding music,
became the eerie bells of doom.
Love turned to hate.
Life turned to decay.
This is what has become of my soul.
What has brought about this change?
Oh, yes, I remember now…
it was your hateful words that pierced my entirety,
like a knife through my pulsating heart,
which now can never be repaired.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©1998

Cold

Cold blackness fills my mind and soul
To deal with such a loss I could not bear
How do you continue to live your life
as though nothing has happened?

In blindness, I flung my heart into the air
But you, who meant the most to me, was unaware.
You saw what I have done and simply
turned your back on me.
You don't seem to understand exactly what I need.

I have always said life was a bit unkind,
Yet I never knew how true this was,
Until the moment I saw you. You, the one
I looked at to change the negative into positive,
Has shown to me you are
no different than all the others.

I asked myself why?
Why was I so blind to how you are?
Maybe this is all my fault.
I know I can sometimes be unclear with how I feel
I may not always say what is on my mind,
Or in my heart…
But you must understand the pain I have felt before.

Because of me, things between us
Will never be the same.
I hope with all my heart that fate
Will set me free
From all the unwanted darkness
That my soul has slowly
began to disappear into,
And all the cold, dark feelings that I feel
Toward all those like myself…
The ones that do not know who they
Truly are.

Written by Angela Ostrander ©1998

Ending

Is that the way it will always be-
Never me?
I wonder why?
I look into the depths of my dying soul
And come to a realization…
Solitude is my destination.

Is that the way it will come to be-
Always me?
Destined to walk alone
Bathed in the glow of Hell's flames
Guided by no one
Following the never ending path
called loneliness.

Is that the way it came to be-
Sometimes me?
Falsely led to believe
I possessed something special…
But now I know it is just
A dead soul

Is this the way it ends-
For me?

Written by Angela Ostrander ©1998

Alone

i lay here in this cold, empty bed
alone, surrounded by darkness
with nothing else but my deep sadness
left to comfort me.
the darkness became my only friend,
the only one that i could confide in
and tell of all my darkest fears of how
someday it would all end.
alone is how ill always be
with no one there to comfort me
from all the pain i hold inside
inflicted by the unseen demons of my soul...
alone from all the rest of humanity
is how my life will end
becuase how could any one ever love me
when i can’t do the same?

Written by Angela Ostrander ©1998

Pain

Pain.
Cold, dark, life-taking,
And hurtful in my soul.
I want to end the pain
and anger that I hold
in the deepest part of me.
Pain.
It's what I feel when I'm with you.
Why can't you see your indifference
to how I feel
is what's tearing me apart?
You say you care,
but your actions show not
what is in your words.
Do you really think I don't see?
I feel the looks you give to me,
As though I'm not the masterpiece
That you've spent your whole life
searching for.
I'm sorry I cannot fulfill what you want.
Pain
is what is in my heart.
I knew before I began that I would only end up hurt,
I knew that you could not see the inner beauty of my soul.
You only look for that which is present
for the world to view.
But I pushed for what I could never have,
And you, the one that I adored, just stared at me
In utter disgust.
Pain
is what I want you to feel.
The same pain that I feel
inside my cold and lonely soul.
I want you to understand exactly how it feels
To be rejected and set aside like yesterday's trash.
Pain
is what you'll feel when I am through.
The pain I give won't be directly inflicted
On your sorry, pathetic body,
Yet you will feel it just the same
It will rip at your heart when you know what you caused.
When I end my pain and suffering
And when I will cease to exist in this
dark world,
That is when you will feel my
Pain.

Written by Angela Ostrander © 1998